The Ultimate Guide To Making and Keeping Friends As An Adult
Remember when you were a kid and making friends seemed easy peasy? You didn’t have to think so hard about what to say or how to act – you were just you. Fast forward to adulthood, making friends is a whole other story.
Whether you’ve moved to a new city, graduated college, or have become more introverted over the years, it seems like making friends is an impossible challenge. And let’s just face it, not having friends can be lonely. I used to tell myself that I loved being alone. No one could hurt me, I didn’t have to be so in my head about social situations, and I could have more time to myself.
Little did I know, the time I spent distracting myself with other things, only made me feel more isolated from the world. The lonelier I felt, the more depressed I was.
The truth is: we as human beings were created for community. We have a natural human tendency to want to belong.
So it only made sense that I could go without human interaction for so long before I felt so depressed and disconnected from the world. And that’s why I sympathize so much with people who struggle to make friends and actually keep them.
This blog post is dedicated to whoever is reading this, who may feel so alone. You are not alone, and I’m here to help you learn how to make friends, grow your relationships, and keep them! So keep reading on, my dear friend!
The Ultimate Guide To Making and Keeping Friends As An Adult
Reasons why it’s so hard to meet new people
Before we jump into how to make friends, there may be a couple of reasons why it can be difficult for you to meet new people. Some factors can include:
Post-College Transition
College is a place where you are surrounded by a sea of people on the daily. So opportunities to meet new people, in your classes, clubs, activities, or campus events were so accessible.
But what happens when you graduate college? Well, the opportunities to be “sociable” decreases by a lot. Yes, your workplace allows you to meet new people. But unless you’re interacting with your co-workers as a part of your job, it can be difficult to socialize.
So it makes sense why meeting new people after college can be hard. Also, your twenties can be an awkward transition in life. Some people your age are already getting married and settling down, while others are still in school. Finding people who are at the same stage of life as you may be hard to find.
The Convenience of Social Media
Sigh. I can say so much about my take on social media. Don’t get me wrong. I think social media can be an amazing platform and tool to meet new people, but there’s a difference between wanting to meet new people vs. wanting to make friends.
You can definitely meet tons of people on the daily through social media such as Facebook, Instagram, Tinder, Bumble, LinkedIn, etc. It’s so easy and convenient to form connections, nowadays.
It’s almost too convenient that many people (who want to make friends) don’t realize that friendships take time to grow and maintain. For example, let’s compare growing a friendship to growing a plant. You can plant as many seeds as you’d like (meet a lot of people), but to grow a plant, you need to water it in order for it to grow and that will take a lot of time and care – just like a friendship.
That’s why, personally, I believe it’s better to meet new people in person, which I will teach you how later on in this post!
Your Beliefs That Your Personality Is Not Good Enough
Oof, I am so guilty of this one. I’ve struggled with social anxiety for the majority of my life and often times, I would find myself thinking, I’m too awkward that no one would want to be my friend.
Because I had these beliefs that my personality was too dull, awkward, and unlikeable, I felt like people just wouldn’t want to get to know me.
Looking back, I could see how many opportunities I missed to make new friends because I believed so strongly that my personality was not good enough and was fixed.
If you find yourself believing that your personality is not good enough, I want you to know that this is such a lie! Your personality is unique and it is what makes you, you.
I’ve realized that the more I could accept myself as I am, the more I allowed my personality to shine, which increased my confidence significantly.
Is it impossible to make new friends as an adult?
First of all, let me just shut down that question ASAP because the answer is HECK NO. Whether you’re fresh out of college, married, in your 30s or 60s, it is never too late to make new friends.
Though most people seem to form and solidify their friendships in school, there are so many people who end up meeting close friends later on in life. I can attest to this. I had met one of my closest friends at my church back in 2019, but we didn’t start talking until a few months ago!
So I hope this gives you confidence and hope that it is not impossible to make new friends as an adult. You certainly can, so keep reading on!
5 Best Tips to Making and Keeping Friends As An Adult
Tip 1: List all the possibilities you can meet people right now
You’d be surprised by the 100s of ways we can meet new people DAILY, yet we don’t do them. Why don’t we? A big reason is the fear of rejection. We’re afraid that once we put ourselves out there, other people won’t like us or will reject us, which obviously isn’t a great feeling.
However, if you can learn to overcome the fear of rejection, which I teach you how in this post, putting yourself out there will open so many doors for you to meet new people.
So grab a sheet of paper and brain dump EVERY possible way you can meet a person and potentionally become friends with.
Here are some examples:
- Join a workout class and talk to the person next to you
- Join a gym, go to the restroom, and hope that someone is there and talk to them
- Volunteer at an organization and make it a goal to talk to 2 people
- Get a part-time job and talk to your co-workers
Get specific. You want to devise a plan on how you can meet people. As you can see from my examples, I try to be really specific such as “going to the gym restroom” (lol).
You gotta do what you gotta do right? And no, it’s not weird to strike up a convo – a compliment always does the trick as a conversation starter!
Tip 2: Take a chance to be vulnerable and be yourself
This is a tough one if you struggle with social anxiety, which can make it difficult to be authentic due to fear of judgment. But a helpful trick that helps me is stepping into a role when you’re meeting someone new.
So once you have a scenario where you can meet people such as at the gym, try “stepping” into the role of who you would want to be. Possible roles could be “Authentic Mel” or “The Friendly Gym Girl.” I know this sounds silly, but this is more specifically a mindset trick for those who struggle to be vulnerable with others.
You’re assuming the role of someone you want to be, who is essentially yourself. Sometimes it can be hard to be ourselves around meeting new people because we can’t control the outcome or how they perceive us.
So often times, we’ll stay quiet, say a few words, be timid because we’re afraid to get vulnerable. Assuming a role will give you a clear goal that allows you to focus on reinforcing the real you.
Vulnerability is what creates authentic relationships. So I encourage you to take that risk to be you. If you want to be “Storyteller Susan” or “Someone Who Loves Sharing,” then step into that role!
Tip 3: Be the one to initiate (for the first few times)
If you’re not one to initiate conversations, now’s the time to get in that practice. As much as I wish other people could be the first to come up to me, often times, I’m usually the one to initiate connection with others. But that’s what helped me build relationships and form the friendships I have now.
I know it can be terrifying approaching an acquaintance or a stranger, not knowing how they will react. First of all, I want you to know that if you get a negative reaction, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
It could be just that the person was in a bad mood, wrong timing, or they just have a… not-so-great personality lol (I’m trying to choose my choice of words wisely).
Second of all, when you start to initiate conversations, whether or not they turn into something else, you will gain so much confidence in your ability to socialize.
Socializing is a skill which needs to be reinforced, and the only way to do so is by meeting as many people as you possibly can!
If you initiate and a conversation goes well, get that person’s contact info and initiate a follow-up. This could be the start of a friendship, so be consistent and your efforts will pay off!
Tip 4: Get as much social skills practice as you can
Every interaction, eye contact, smile, or acknowledgement to someone is an opportunity to meet new people and make friends.
One of my close friends came up to me at my university’s cafeteria because I was eating alone (lol) and that’s how we became friends. We exchanged phone numbers that day and the rest is history!
Be that person who goes up to the girl/guy sitting alone (if they don’t seem busy or preoccupied). Say “hi” first. Give a genuine smile to someone. Ask someone how their day is going. Reconnect with old acquaintances. Talk to people on friend apps such as Bumble BFF or WINK.
I know I said I prefer meeting in person when it comes to social media apps in order to form a friendship… so actually make plans to meet people in person. You get to know someone so much more in person, anyway!
Tip 5: Be willing to make a real effort
Making friends takes patience and a lot of effort. According to this article, the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it takes about 50 hours to transition from acquaintances to casual friends, 90 hours to “friend” status, and more than 200 hours to consider someone a close friend.
Isn’t that insane?! Reading those facts blew my mind.
But that’s why I wanted to emphasize that you need to be consistent with your relationships. Whether that’s volunteering in an organization, keep going and don’t give up. If your goal is to make a friend (which is probably why you’re reading this article), then be persistent.
It might sound silly thinking you need to put in real effort to make a friend, but honestly, you’re doing it for you and that’s all that matters. Be patient, be consistent, and be you. You got this, friend! 🙂
Conclusion
- Yay, you got to the end of this post, and hopefully you’ve learned a few helpful tips on how to start making friends now. See every interaction as a learning experience and social skills exercise. You got this!
- If you are struggling to find ways to meet new people (which I totally get), you can get my free cheat sheet that lists ways you can meet new people and how to grow your friendships!
This is a conversation I’ve had so many times “why is it so hard to make friends when you’re an adult?!” You laid out some great ideas on how to overcome the obstacles (inhibitions) that we face as adults and your “how to make friends cheat sheet” is super helpful! Thanks for touching on this topic!
Aw thank you for your sweet comment, Anna! I certainly resonated so much with this topic as well which encouraged me to write this post, so I’m really happy to hear that this was helpful for you! 🙂
xx,
Melanie